Updated: Dec 22, 2010
Editor’s Note: Still scathing from last season’s swiftboat attack by Al Gore, we are told Santa will come out swinging this Christmas 2010. This week on Christmas Eve, the North Pole are set to release a formal statement about last week’s UN Climate Summit in Cancun, things could get messy. In case you missed it…
By Nicholas “Pete” Petersen
Dec 25th 2009
21st Century Wire
Special Report from Lapland
In a move that will surely anger a generation of children worldwide, leading global warming campaigner Al Gore has called for Santa to “rein in” his annual holiday travel itinerary in order to save the planet from climate change.
Al Gore’s controversial Christmas Eve address from his mansion in Tennessee called on Santa Claus to set an example by making dramatic cuts to his yule tide carbon footprint- or face the possibility of losing his traditional base of operations at the North Pole.
Gore explains, “We need to freeze it (Santa’s emissions) now. His irresponsible travel itinerary and out-dated manufacturing base carries a giant carbon footprint that has been allowed to grow unchecked for decades. If he keeps it up, there won’t be a North Pole.”
The Nobel Prize winner claims that Santa’s annual Christmas tradition is becoming increasingly dangerous to the planet.
“The question remains- how can we incentivize our friends at the North Pole to dramatically reduce an industry? The only sensible answer here is to scale back Christmas by adopting responsible green alternatives during the holiday season. That’s why we’re calling on Santa ‘rein in’ his operation and stick to emissions reduction targets recommended by the IPCC for 2012”, said Gore on Thursday.
Green campaign groups have also seized upon the holiday season, branding Santa as a “climate criminal” and calling on families around the world to denounce his environmentally unsustainable holiday operation. Frustrated at the abject failure of last week’s UN Summit in Copenhagen, Bjorn Shillman from Sweden’s Climate Revolutionaries for Social Justice (CRSJ) explains, “It’s simply not fair. The developing world countries hardly celebrate Christmas, yet they are facing terrible climate change brought on by the likes of Santa and co. He should be held accountable.”
Malthusian proponents have also begun to weigh in on the debate, with pundits citing China as an example for other Christian societies to follow. Gore agrees, “I think China has got it right. Their one child policy has been a role model in the fight against climate change, certainly one for other nations to follow, very simple and achievable because less children equals less carbon dioxide.” Gore adds here, “And they aren’t saddled with the cultural burden of celebrating Christmas… it’s a great one-two punch for the planet. Santa needs to wake up and start paying more attention to China- they are leading the way in the fight against global warming.”
But the Oscar-winning filmmaker’s comments have sent shock waves high up into the Northern Hemisphere.
Santa Claus did not release a formal rebuttal to Gore, but sources inside his operation have reported the Jolly one believes Gore’s recent attack on the North Pole is “a load of complete balderdash motivated by childhood issues”, as well as referring to Gore as “a shameless opportunist and a closet eugenicist”, and accused the former Vice President of “lingering frustration from bottling the 2000 election.”
This is not the first time Santa has been embroiled in a snow storm of controversy. Media and political experts now believe that a media salvo fired from the North Pole last December has prompted what looked by some to be an unprovoked attack on Santa by Gore this holiday season. In 2008, Gore’s media arm Current TV asked Santa if he would ship 10,000 free DVD’s of “An Inconvenient Truth” to kids around the world. Santa flatly refused the offer, stating at the time, “That film is rubbish and not even fit for stocking stuffers. Global Warming is about as real as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.”
Diedrich Knickerbocker, Santa’s Communications Director for North Pole Amusement Systems LLP, Santa’s official holding company, has issued a formal statement however, rebutting a number of Gore’s claims. He explains, “This is not about Santa. It’s really an unwarranted attack on millions of innocent children worldwide. He’s not only talking about scaling back Santa’s travel at Christmas, by endorsing the UN’s Agenda 21, Gore is really talking about scaling back children in general. It’s a rather shocking state of affairs.”
According to Knickerbocker, Santa had the foresight to leverage his business along the lines of various policies championed by Al Gore himself. Knickerbocker points out, “It’s quite ironic for us. Because of WTO and GAT agreements that Gore campaigned for in the early 1990’s, Santa made concerted moves to outsource a large sector of our toy manufacturing to the Chinese mainland. China has actually helped us to expand our operation and increase our cost vs benefit performance.” Knickerbocker also added, “Our partnership with China was already a done deal the minute Santa stepped on to the tarmac in Beijing. The smile on Deng Xiaoping’s face when he saw Santa wearing all-red was truly an auspicious moment for us.”
North Pole is Carbon Neutral
“Because of the unique nature of Christmas, we have to maintain an altruistic business model, hence, Santa has always remained ahead of the curve with regards to global economic trends. It’s true that we can now employ 10 Chinese workers for the same cost of one Elfen worker, but through 21st century retraining and generous finance from the Chinese, we have now migrated many younger Elfs into new internet jobs and offered older Elfs early retirement incentives”, says Knickerbocker.
“The bottom line is that we now have a ‘carbon neutral’ operation up here in the North Pole. Off-shoring Santa’s manufacturing to China has dramatically reduced our local carbon footprint and consequently, we have been able to sell these new carbon credits to the European Carbon Market- this helps to fund our day-to-day operation.”
Critics of European carbon trading schemes point out, however, that Santa’s current reliance and exposure to carbon offset markets could spell red ink for the jolly gent if Cap and Trade is not adopted globally. In typically shrewd fashion, Santa also moved to increase his own personal, as well as corporate holdings into precious metals when gold was a steal below $300 per oz back in 2000. Consequently, North Pole Amusements LLP holdings has seen a bumper year in 2009 with gold spiking to over £1,150 per oz, thus increasing their operating capital reserves forward past the year 2015 according to a Bloomberg report.
Communications head Knickerbocker comments, “We’re constantly harvesting business intelligence and Santa has been making sound investments in commodities like gold for a few hundred years now. So if Cap and Trade happens to fall flat on its face one day, we will simply adapt and re-capitalize into new revenue streams- it’s what we do.” He continues, “Unlike most organizations, we are not really motivated by profits because we have no shareholders. We are only accountable to billions of children worldwide who are expecting us to deliver the goods when it matters- and that’s at Christmas time. Politicians and psuedo-science hacks like Al Gore can never really get their heads around that.”
Workers Speak Out
Gore’s comments have apparently aggravated the ranks of little people north of the Arctic Circle. Markus Rautio, a senior Elf spokesperson lashed out at the recent attack. Speaking from their regional union offices in Lapland, Finland, Rautio said, “While Gore travels 365 days a year in his private jets and chauffeur driven limos, Santa’s squad of reindeers can do Gore’s annual miles in one day without using an ounce of fossil fuels. The hypocrisy of Al Gore’s self-proclaimed environmental credentials leave a lot to be desired.”
Rautio scathed, “This is the same guy who says that polar bears and penguins can’t swim. He claims polar bears are disappearing but their numbers have exploded from 10,000 to 45,000 in the last few decades- and that’s a genuine health and safety issue we have to face on a daily basis, unlike a man who lives in a 30 bedroom mansion in Tennessee.” Rautio added, “It appears that both Gore and that Pachauri bloke have become a bit cocky since their Nobel Prize ceremony, and it’s only expected that overblown celebrities like these will take a cheap shot at little folks like us.”
“We are a hard working community and there’s no time for middle class greenpeace-guilt up here. We’re still freezing our butts off at 20 below zero and he wants us to live like Eskimos in caves with no electricity? Personally I don’t see the climate changing because of CO2- despite the huge amount hot air that Gore and his fellow shills are blowing in the media. Sure, he claims to have invented to internet, but time will bestow upon him his last and most infamous credential of all, he will go down in history- as the man who invented global warming.”
Al Gore could not be reached for comment.
Author Nicholas Petersen resides in Lapland and has covered Santa’s North Pole financial affairs for the major news agencies since 1980.